Sweeney Todd:Characters Held Hostage By The Writer
by Sweet Lunacy
Summary: I know it's been done, but I thought I'd try my hand at a parody
1. In Which We Meet Anthony and Mrs Lovett

**A/N: I know it's been done before, but I just wanted to try my hand at it. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, including **_**Grease, Sweeney Todd, and Into The Woods **_**(which Mrs. Lovett quotes)**

(Scene opens on a ship in London. Note the creepy music and—hey, was that a drop of blood? Yep, sure was. Anyway, on the ship, a very feminine-looking young boy stands looking at London with a hugh dopey grin on his face. Next to him, a mysterious looking man glares at the approaching city.)

Anthony: Look. It's London. The bestest place in the world! Let's do a happy dance!

(Anthony begins to dance. Sweeney glares.)

Sweeney: Anthony, this isn't _Grease_. Stop dancing.

Anthony: It's not? (pouts)

Sweeney: You are very young and stupid. Life is not all dancing and pretty colours.

Anthony: What are you talking about?

Sweeney: Once upon a time..no, that's not right. There was this really hot girl, like smokin' hot, and this really ugly judge wanted her bad. So he shipped her husband off to Australia for a crime he didn't do

Anthony: Then what happened to the lady?

Sweeney: How should I know? I was in Australia—I mean...no one knows.

Anthony: On the bright side, we're in London! Isn't that great, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: (sarcastically) Yes, it's wonderful.

Anthony: I can't wait to see everyone! I'm going to send out postcards and IM's and emails, and—

Sweeney: (rolls his eyes) You've spent too much time on this bloody ship

(They make their way off the ship.)

Sweeney: Thanks for pulling me out of the ocean. Now get lost

Anthony: Will I see you again?

Sweeney: Hopefully not

Anthony: What?

Sweeney: I mean, I'll be in Fleet Street.

Anthony: Okey dokey!

(Anthony skips away happily, singing "We Go Together" from _Grease_. Sweeney zips through London at lightning-speed, and ends up outside of a gloomy pie shop. He enters to find a crazy-looking women beating the crap out of her pies. She looks up.)

Mrs. Lovett: OMGSH!! A CUSTOMER!! DON'T MOVE!!

(She pulls him into a chair.)

Mrs. Lovett: Don't mind me. Times is hard, and I've been so lonely lately that I even started talking to the cockroaches. Of course, they weren't the best conversationalists, so I started talking to the pies. Here you go.

(She gives Sweeney the pie which crawls off the plate.)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh dear. That's the third time that they've done that. (smacks the pie with her rolling pin) There you go, love.

Sweeney: (looking horrified) Umm...thanks? If times are so hard, why don't you rent that room out over your shop?

Mrs. Lovett: People think it's haunted. You see, there was this insanely wicked-hot barber who lived there with his idiot of a wife and their adorable little girl. He was so hot I wanted to bake pies on him. Anyway, this ugly perverted judge had the hots for his idiot wife, so he sent the hot barber to Australia. Then, he told her to come to his house, and bang! Crash! The lightining flashed! And—well, that's another story, nevermind.

Sweeney: What happened then?

Mrs. Lovett: She went to his house, got drunk and he raped her, and then took her daughter in.

Sweeney:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gasps for breath) OOOOOOOOOOO!!

Mrs. Lovett: _You're _Benjamin Barker...I knew you were too gorgeous to be anyone else. Come upstairs and I'll give you a surprise.

Sweeney: (eyeing her suspiciously) I'll pass thanks. And the name is Todd. Sweeney Todd.

Mrs. Lovett: Oohhh, sexy name. Now back to the surprise...It's something you love. It's shiiinnnyyyy...

Sweeney: Shiny? Okay then.

(She takes him upstairs and give him the razors. He squeals in delight.)

Sweeney: My friends!!

Mrs. Lovett: You need a life, dude.

Sweeney: I've been in prision, duh.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, you can be my friend.

Sweeney: (to his razors) Who's a pretty set of razors? You are, yes you are. I told you I'd be back.

Mrs.Lovett: Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: (ignoring her, still crooning to his razors) You're so shiny, so smooth, you're so pretty, yes you are. AT LAST!! My arm is complete again!

Mrs.Lovett: When was it not? It always looked whole to me...

(Uber-dramatic music plays and Sweeney laughs evilly)

Sweeney: Mwahahahahahaha (to the reader) That's my evil laugh. I've been practising. What do you think? Mwahahahahahah (coughs) ahahahahahaha...

**A/N: Whatcha think? Should I continue or not? Reviews are welcome, flames will be used to bake pies**


	2. In Which Anthony Gets His Ass Kicked

**A/N: Here's the second chapter. It doesn't follow the plot exactly, but I hope you like it. Thank you to all my wonderul reviewers!! You make me happy. **

**Disclaimer:If I owed **_**Sweeney Todd**_**, Mrs. Lovett would still be alive and with Sweeney. If I owned **_**Into The Woods**_**, the Witch wouldn't disappear.**

(Scene opens on a street. We see Anthony sitting on a bench reading a book—_Where's Waldo?, _probably—when suddenly he looks up and sees a pretty girl with long blonde hair singing at her window.)

Johanna: (sighs) I wish I could leave this room..I wish I had someone other than Pervy McPervertson to talk to. My birds don't count. They don't answer back. They just sit there and sing...(to her birds) Why are you still singing? Why can't you be depressed once in awhile, you freaks? No one is happy all the time!! BE MISERABLE!!

Anthony: (staring up at Johanna through the window) Man, she's hot...like, wicked hot. I wonder if she sees me...(waves his arms around like an idiot) HEY!! LOOK DOWN HERE!! HEY!! HOT GIRL!! (sighs) It's not working.

(Judge Turpin opens the door to his house. His pants are so tight that they look painted on. Anthony still has his arms in the air.)

Judge Turpin: Come on in, young lady. You don't have to stand on the street and beg with your arms wide open. I'll gladly take you in.

Anthony: Ummmmm...

Judge Turpin: Don't be shy.

(Anthony hesitates.)

Judge Turpin: I have candy...

Anthony: I don't know...

Judge Turpin: It's cherry flavoured..

Anthony: Cherry? Yippee!!

(He runs in, and Turpin slams the door behind him.)

Anthony: (looking disappointed) There's no candy here. And I'm not a young lady. I'm a boy—I mean...(tries to make his voice more masculine) I'm a man...A biiiiggg stronggg man..

Judge Turpin: You're not a young lady...Hmm...Are you sure?

Anthony: Last time I checked. I check every morning, you know, just to be sure.

Judge Turpin: I find that oddly disturbing. What were you doing outside my house then? I know...You were looking at my ward, Johanna! How dare you...You gandered at her, you GANDERED, YOU GANDERED—

Anthony: Is "gandered" your favourite word, or something?

Judge Turpin: (calling to the Beadle) Wormtail!! I mean, Beadle!! Get in here and throw this young man out. After that, please beat him with a cane and throw his bag at him.

Wormtail: (apparating) As you wish, my lord.

(He throws Anthony out and hits him with a cane. Just as he's about to raise up—BAM! His bag comes crashing down on his back.)

Anthony: Ouch...That hurt. I wonder if I have any children's aspirin in my bag..(searches and finds none) Crap..Well, I guess I'll just have to go prance about singing about Johanna.(begins singing at the top of his lungs) I FEEEEEEEEEEEEL YOUUUU, JOHANNNNNNNNNNNAAAA! OUCH! Who threw that shoe at me? Oh well..(starts singing again) I FEEEEEEEL YOUUUU, JOHANNNNNNNNAA!

(Scene switches to the pie shop. Mrs. Lovett is busy making more pies, if one could call them pies, and Sweeney is brooding in his shop upstairs. Mrs. Lovett finishes the pie, puts it in a small oven to bake and makes her way cheerily upstairs.)

Mrs. Lovett: Sorry I took so long. I just had to put Pedro in the oven to bake.

Sweeney: Pedro? You put a person in that oven?

Mrs. Lovett: (laughing slightly) No, of course not. Pedro is a pie.

Sweeney: You name the pies?

Mrs. Lovett: Yes..Don't judge me!! You don't know me!!

Sweeney: Unfortunately, I do.

Mrs. Lovett: I knew that...Or did I?

Sweeney: (a bit worried now) Mrs. Lovett? Are you...okay in the head?

Mrs. Lovett: I've just had a lot of coffee today, love.

Sweeney: Riiiiight...I'll just go back to plotting the judge's demise.

Mrs. Lovett: I can help with that. I have a great plan!

Sweeney: (sarcastically) Really now? What is it?

Mrs. Lovett: Nope. If you want to hear my plan, you must bring me these thing: First, the cow as white as milk. Two, the cape as red as blood. Three, the hair as yellow as corn. Four, the slipper as pure as gold!

Sweeney: Come again?

Mrs. Lovett: Then feed the items to the cow.

Sweeney: What?

Mrs. Lovett: (exasperated) You heard me...feed them to the cow! Then I'll have you milk said cow, I'll drink the potion and become insanely beautiful!

Sweeney: Excuse me? That's not possible.

Mrs. Lovett: Well, if you're going to insult me, forget it. Just kill him the next time you see him.

Sweeney: Works for me..

(Mrs. Lovett stomps downstairs. Sweeney glares out the window once more.)

Sweeney: Finally...I thought she'd never leave...Now on to my plan..killing the evil Judge Turpin!! (to the reader) Normally, I'd do my evil laugh now, but laughing maniacally is so five minutes ago. I'll just put on this black jacket and slip mysteriously into the shadows. I think that will work, don't you?

**A/N: Okay, so it didn't follow the plot exactly, but it was fun. Love it? Hate it? Reviews are welcome, flames will be used to bake the pies and Sweeney Todd haters.**


	3. In Which Pirelli Gets His Ass Kicked

**A/N: Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. I'm not sure when I'll be able to update again (my internet is broken at home), but hopefully it will be soon.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, sadly.**

(Scene opens in the market. We see Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney standing in a large crowd around Pirelli's wagon. Toby emerges wearing a neon-blue sequined shirt and tight leather pants. He bangs on the drum loudly. Mrs. Lovett moans and puts her hands over her ears.)

Mrs. Lovett: Ouch...That banging is not curing my hangover at all (to Toby) Take it easy with that drum, lad.

(Sweeney sees Beadle Bamford making his way through the crowd. Just in time, Mrs. Lovett stops him from attacking.)

Mrs. Lovett: (scoldingly) No! Bad Sweeney...bad! Stay..stay..Good boy!

Sweeney: (irritated) I am not a dog, Mrs. Lovett

Mrs. Lovett: You're my pet, so yes you are.

Toby: (loudly) Ladies and gentleman, may I have your attention please?

Random man: No...

Toby: Just stand there and shut up. I haven't even started my rap yet!

Random man: .......................

Toby: Yo, you dealin' wit losin' ur hair? I got somethin' to cure it, I swear. Try Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, it'll make that bald spot thick, sir!

Sweeney: Ick.....smells like piss and ink

Mrs. Lovett: Really? Ewww

(Toby glares, and Pirelli comes out. He glares at the audience.)

Pirelli: Yo, yo, yo! My name is Pirelli. Who dares say my elixir is piss?

Sweeney: I do. The name's Todd....Sweeney Todd, and I bet you five pounds that I can shave better than you.

Pirelli: You're on.

Sweeney: Beadle Bamford, will you judge this competition?

(He agrees. Todd wins the compettion as Pirelli sings a note so high that only dolphins can hear it.)

Beadle Bamford: The winner is Todd

Mrs. Lovett: (smiling smugly) That's right...My man knows how to deliver..

(Sweeney rolls his eyes. Beadle Bamford approaches.)

Beadle Bamford: I shall see you in Fleet Street before the week is out for a shave.

Sweeney: How'd you know my shop is in Fleet Street? You been spying on me?

Beadle Bamford: No...I've been spying on Mrs. Lovett, the woman who lives in the pie shop below you. She's one smokin' hot—

Sweeney: (interrupting) Okay, okay. I get it. No need to elaborate.

Beadle Bamford: Well, then. I shall see you before the week is out.

(He walks away. Mrs. Lovett comes up and places a hand on Sweeney's shoulder.)

Mrs. Lovett: Come on, love. By the way, love, I'll make us some tea if you'd like when we get back. Then you can pull me into your arms and kiss me passionately and—

Sweeney: No. Now come on, if you're coming

Mrs. Lovett: Awww...darn

(She follows Sweeney back to the shop, pouting and sniffling. He smiles evilly at her pain.)

Sweeney: (to the reader) I know...I'm an evil bastard, aren't I? Well, I can't help it. She's annoying, and she's not my Lucy....Get over it....(laughs evilly, sounding much more sinister than before) I think I've got the manaical laughter thing down, don't you?

**A/N: Love it? Hate it? Reviews are love =]**


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